Is Gentle Parenting Supposed to be This Hard?!

We’ve all been there. You’ve had a long day, and it’s time for your toddler to get ready for bed. You cringe as you envision the hour(s)-long fiasco that awaits you. 

“Bedtime!” you announce, to which your toddler firmly responds with a resounding “NO!” (Or perhaps, they ignore you entirely!)

Now you’re stuck. You told yourself you wanted to be a gentle parent. You don’t want to yell, or bust out any of the “because I said so-” style statements that were so common in your own childhood. But for the love of all that is sacred, WHY WON’T THIS KID JUST MARCH THEIR CUTE LITTLE BUTT OFF TO THEIR ROOM WHEN YOU ASK THEM TO?!

There are a few possible reasons. First: they might be busy. We’ve all been guilty of getting so caught up in our own heads, we can forget our kids get just as involved in their own tasks as we do in ours.

Their block tower or imaginary game might not seem important at first glance. But asking them to stop what they’re doing (which—make no mistake—is likely a learning opportunity for them) is no different than someone barging in on you while you’re working, cooking , or mid-chapter of an incredible book. I know how frustrated I get when this happens to me… I HATE dropping everything I’m doing to immediately see to the needs of my interruptor!

The other main reason: your child might not have any motivation to listen. Have you really followed through with those threats you’ve made in the past? What’s really going to happen if they ignore you and just keep playing?

Parents usually end up going one of two directions in this bedtime scenario. Some get frustrated and end up yelling or lashing out—which, as “gentle parents,” usually just fills us with remorse and guilt. Now, we’re all upset!

Others get so nervous at the thought of upsetting their child that they choose not to press the subject. So bedtime gets delayed, and the result is a more overtired (and even less likely to cooperate) kiddo.

The reason parents get frustrated is no mystery: parenting is friggen hard. We’re tired, and sometimes we can’t see an end to the back-and-forth we have with our kids at bedtime (or any other time of the day…).

While occasionally “giving in” is something we all do (sometimes, you’re just tired and have zero Fs left to give right at that moment!), operating in perpetual survival mode is different. It can feel hopeless, and it’s seriously exhausting. It’s easy to feel trapped.

If you’re finding yourself caving frequently, know there are some small shifts that can change your life. Some are as minor as changing some of the language you’re using: removing words and phrases that are certain to create a power struggle, and replacing them with clear, literal communication that your kiddo can easily understand.

Other “shifts” can include modifying which boundaries you’re setting, your commitment to following through, or a combination of these.

It’s also important to note that sometimes, there’s a deeper issue at play. I run into a lot of parents who are afraid to let their kiddo be unhappy. Maybe they themselves had a traumatic childhood, and they’ve vowed it’ll be different for their kids. Or maybe the internet has led them to believe that “gentle” parenting means we never allow our child to be upset (thanks for that one, internet. You can be a real jerk sometimes).

If either (or both) of these resonates with you, go get this tattooed this on your forearm RIGHT NOW. (Okay; a mental note is good too):

“It’s not my job to keep my child(ren) happy all the time. It’s my job to raise good people.”

When you really grasp (and believe) this concept at its core, it’s SO much easier to set (and stick to) boundaries for your kids. When a boundary is set with love, you can ALWAYS feel good about seeing it through.

Still struggling with this idea? Try adding “I love you so much, and…” to the beginning of a rule. Not only can this reduce the guilt you have when following through; it also ensures the rule itself is based in love and respect, rather than just a desire to be right (or in charge). “I love you so much, and it’s my job to keep you safe. I need you to get down off that table. Can you do it by yourself, or do you need some help?”

A “shift” can also mean learning to accept your child’s tantrum and support them through it, while still holding firm on the boundary. (Back to the part about it not being your job to make them happy all the time!)

It’s okay if they disagree with what you’ve said. Kids are tiny scientists who conduct experiments to see if what you told them holds weight. “Ice melts into water? Let’s try it!” isn’t really that different from, “You say it’s time to put the toys away and get ready for bed? Well… let’s see. What if I cry THIS loud? Does that change things?” If the finding is yes, they’ll file that away for later use: “Tantrum effective. Will use this approach again.”

Tantrums are frustrating to be sure, but remaining calm is crucial. A child cannot calm down while their parent is worked up. Allow them to have those big feelings. Breathe, take a break, play a song on your earbuds… whatever you need to do to stay calm. And remember: it’s not personal. As frustrating as this behaviour can be, they’re just doing what they’re wired to do: test their surroundings.

Hold firm on the boundary you set, even after the tantrum is over. This gives them the opposite finding in their experiment: “Tantrum ineffective. Parent telling truth—it’s definitely bedtime. Will try another approach next time.”

Following through takes time, practice and patience, so start small. If you know you probably won’t stick to a boundary, don’t set it in the first place. Start with easier ones you know you can stick to. Give yourself grace, lean in gradually, and celebrate the small successes (for both you and your child). This stuff is HARD, and taking it one step at a time is the only way to go!

“When we follow through with what we said we’d do, our kids learn they can count on us.” -Sharyn Timerman

If you’re finding you need some support in this department, I’d love to help. Let’s connect— Click here to schedule a free Discovery Call.

This post was originally published September 22, 2022.

Edited October 2, 2023.